No officer, the tree jumped in my way, I swear!

Big if true

He shouldn’t have gotten his dentures from Acme.

I once had a group chat that got leaked. There’s a possibility that it may have involved some light treason.

The GameCube cases also came with a pizza roll holder but it was a little too small.

Sex: not getting any cause I was fired

I learned about her from Double Dare.

Look, we all can’t get into Yal6, okay.

Even Cousin Bob’s funeral?

A soup place I go to started to charge $3 for its once free bread. When I asked about it, they said “no soup for you!” and “come back one year!”. Then they took away my soup. At least I got my money back.

But how else am I supposed to find out that my car warranty expired?

I don’t have to get in the forever box because I’m Homer Simp-

Strangers never offer me free candy.

Anybody who believes that he would actually do this is someone who would fall for the wallet inspector.

Brah, you just need to have a rock star attitude about being 27.

Too bad he couldn’t be stuck in Weird Al’s accordion.

If only Phil could’ve relived the same day over and over again until he was able to patch things up with his wife.

My parents could tell tails about how I used to run into the hedge. One time I really bloodied my my knuckles.

The cat isn’t supposed to talk anyway.